Love *vomit*

People do not always see love as abstract. I have always deeply questioned the meaning of the word, life certainly revolves around it, I would argue that next to death and money love is the most important word in our vocabulary. I have been in love many times, so I think. Some confuse love and lust. I would say if you are in lust, you are simply in love with the physical aspect of love. Words only have meaning when there is an implication behind it. Saying "I love you" to your significant other for the first time means the world. Playing a voicemail from a passed loved one and hearing them say "love you" means absolutely everything. Yet, sometimes we say I love you and it means less. When spouses have been married for years they see love as the desire to protect and care for their children, the lasting bond with their partner, a love that created life. Just because you create life with somebody you love does not mean it lasts. I am a child of divorce and I grew up not exactly knowing if what my parents had was love. When I first experienced love I gave everything to my partner and took on the roles of their caretaker and verbal punching bag. My next love was based on illusion and infatuation where I funneled so much love into something that never got off the ground. This love that I have now is safe and stable. It is probably the realest romantic love I have ever experienced which actually brings its challenges. Most people don't know this yet or maybe they do, but true love is sitting next to somebody watching TV holding hands and feeling fully comfortable with them. You may need a shower or a new change of clothes, but they'll still hug you and kiss you and see your soul no matter what the physical may be like. Love is not chaotic. Chaotic love is the toxic type of love. It's the type of love where he calls you a cunt while you're out with your friends and you go home because you're ashamed to cry your eyes out in public. Toxic love is the type of love where he sees you out in public and doesn't kiss you hello because he can't stand girls thinking he's in a relationship. Toxic love is the type of love where he kisses another girl and everybody else tells you first. Toxic love is when he has sex with you, but you said you weren't in the mood. Toxic love is sleeping with him when you know that's all he really wants from you.

I am thankful I have something stable so I can finally heal all the disgusting things I allowed other relationships to do to me. Love can change you and morph you into somebody you never want to be again. Love can also heal you and open you up to new depths of emotion. Being human is about feeling. The more we run away from true feeling the more we hurt people. The actions we allow others to impose on us and that we impose on others is just a mere reflection of the self. Cliche, but we accept the love we think we deserve. What love is present in your life right now and do you truly deserve it?