Boundaries

What are boundaries? Are they borders of protection or walls for others to break down? I believe boundaries are healthy, though I did not always have them. For a period of time in High School amidst having low self-esteem I also had a sort of martyr-complex, my mother always told me I was a glutton for punishment in the ways I would stick my neck out for those who would never return the favor. Through the realization that I have some sort of savior complex I came to know that the only saving I had to do was to save my own soul. I have noticed as I have slowly and steadily understood these things and coupled it with awareness, I am finally able to implement change. I lost two of my best friends this year due to my new understanding of boundaries. I lost them in the sense that I do not know if I could ever be around them again in a healthy way. These two people have a lot of similarities, they are both jovial jokers who command their audience and perform for the room. When they enter a space there is no room for anybody else to breathe or to be heard. They entertain. I never understood people like that, but I have always been intrigued by it because I imagine they personify a part of themselves to hide another part. The part they show is what they want you to see, they may like the reaction or the attention they get from being the life of the party or the best comic. The funniest people often have the deepest pain, it is all just a mask. It makes me think of the cliche that is Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, by day he is a doctor and by the night he is a murderer. We all have shadow aspects, whether we integrate them or push them away is up to the person. The longer we avoid our negative attributes, the more they eat us up from the inside.

I always let others shine because I love to observe. As a child I used to shine too. I was your typical beautiful girl. I was front and center in every dance recital. I was so pretty my mom put me in modeling. In dance class or whenever I would dance, and get some sort of attention; girls would bully me or ostracise me, it almost made me want to dim my light to make room for everybody else. I did not mind not shining, it taught me flowers bloom in the dark too. I began to shine internally, things people say outwards, I’d express inward. I went from being the biggest extrovert to thinking before I speak. I would say these experiences made me wise, observant and understanding of others. I even learned to be my own therapist, if people could hear my inner dialogue they would see that the two sides of my mind conversate like one side is coaching the other. This is how I learned about boundaries. I began to see that as the advisor and the care-giver I had let my friends cross boundaries and drain me of my precious energy. I was the one they could go to, I would pick them up and hold them when they were sick or hurt, but who would do the same for me? Not them. Why would I dim my shine for people who wanted to steal some of it for themselves?

I still dream and think about them even though I have laid my boundaries and made it clear that a lot of resentment has built up for all of the times there was no reciprocation and no appreciation. It is hard to bear because I love them unconditionally, but I know their friendship is not good for me. My mind tries to rationalize it because my brain fears that I am just pushing people away. Part of our mind is looking out for survival and there is strength in numbers. I know very well that quality is much more important than quantity. I rather have one person I can depend on than hundreds of flaky people that simply fuel my egoic wants. I always think of avoidance and how it encompasses the reason for all of our toxic behaviors. Humans need other humans for happiness, we are social creatures. Yet, the most learning happens from sitting still alone in your room without another person’s beliefs or opinions affecting yours. That is how we truly understand ourselves, by isolating our brains and looking our madness in the eye. We are all very mad, complex people. I believe by understanding ourselves we truly begin to understand the world at large. There are billions of people in the world and none of them can tell you what is going on in their head unless they decide to tell you. What we say matters.

Boundaries hurt people because those that cross them might not know they crossed a line. Some may respond by saying what did I do? I thought everything was okay? Some may blame you or push it all back on you, these are the people that most likely took full advantage of you. All in all, people who lack boundaries just want to give love. My mother also used to tell me “do not expect anything from anyone or you will always be let down.” I do not know if this is wise thinking, for if somebody can not give you what you give when they can give it, then they probably do not care about you. That is the problem though, we all have so much to give and some people need to save it all for themselves to sustain their well being. Some people have so much to give but they give it everyone but themselves and often feel resentment some time down the line. Then there are people who have everything to give and they give to themselves and others or whomever or whatever deserves their love. I feel like the group of people mentioned last are the type of people who have learned a lot of lessons about being taken advantage or have learned to give to those who give too. It is not about give and take or counting favors, it is about intention. Why do you do something kind for somebody? Because you love them, because you want to. When you view yourself as a healer it is important to know, not everyone can be saved, people need to learn hard lessons on their own accord, it is their own burden to bear. If somebody comes to you and says I need your help then yes go for it if you can handle it. But, to bend over backwards for those whose love is only considered in tandem with the love they have for themselves, sooner or later people sense this energy and repel from it. Sooner or later we learn that we all have our own karma, our own burdens, our own shit and it is not your job to put the world or the burdens of other’s on your shoulders. The best way to save humanity is to save yourself. Forgive yourself for the person you once were and how you may have allowed others to trespass against you and embrace the person you are now.